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Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade are a lot of folks’ relationship goals, but in her prior marriage, things weren’t as picture perfect.

2003 Film Life Movie Awards Red

Source: Rodrigo Varela / Getty

On the latest episode of Armchair Expert, Gabrielle Union opened up to host Dax Shepard about her first marriage, in which she admits she wasn’t “getting Wife of the Year Awards.”

While Shepard talked about having guilt surrounding his own past infidelities, Union admitted a little later in their relationship that she wished she had more guilt for her infidelity, but instead thought of it as “just such a stupid relationship that should never have gotten out of the dating phase.”

“In our first marriage, neither one of us felt like the marriage should get in the way of our dating,” Union explained of her relationship with NFL running back Chris Howard from 2001 to 2006.

At the time, the actress described her behavior as a combination of trying to keep up with her husband’s behavior while also battling her own sense of entitlement.

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“I was like, Oh, that’s what you’re doing? You’re gonna feel this one,” she explained.

Union went on to admit that she also felt “entitled” to cheat because she was paying the bills and working hard to get what she had.

“I felt that that’s what comes, the spoils of riches,” she said. “Like my dad before me, whoever has the most gets to do whatever the hell they want, is what I thought.”

As for what she got out of cheating on her husband, Union admitted that she was “horny for validation and having certain kinds of guys like me and want me. That made me feel like I was worthy and good and valuable and deserving.”

Eventually, Union and Howard attended therapy, but Gabrielle said the first thing the therapist noted was that they had nothing in common except “other people … so why don’t you just go be with other people.”

When asked if things were different once she finally ended that relationship and began seeing her current husband, Dwyane Wade, she said, “I think initially it wasn’t different.” Still, she went on to admit that both she and Wade had to commit to themselves and do the “inner work” to heal themselves so they could be better together.

“We randomly came back around as more healed people and more open to understanding our complicity in some of the challenges that we created for ourselves,” she said.

“We are way easier to point the finger, you did this to me, you caused that, this person did this, and it’s like, okay, we’re grown,” Union added. “I’m super-grown at this– I’m 40+ at this point and it’s like, I don’t want to live like this. None of this feels good and it’s exhausting and I want a love that feels like freedom.”

Union perfectly summed up her relationship with Wade, saying: “Now we’re both free and we are free to choose ourselves and free to choose each other every day, which is a completely different sentiment.”