Here’s something the menfolk probably shouldn’t know, but in the spirit of Christmas, I’m going to spill the beans…
A ladies’ lunch uncovers a multitude of sins. Seriously, uncork a bottle of chardonnay, throw in some pasta, and the stories come out. Oh, how they come out!
Husband tried a new move in the bedroom? It will be discussed. The ‘work Karen’ is being an absolute punish? She will be verbally burnt at the stake. Heard a distant (married) friend is having it off with her gardener? Let’s take a deep dive.
If word were to get out on some of the conversations had over a burrata with toasted sourdough, oh, the cancellations would be swift. But some are too good not to share.
Take, for example, my most recent one. It had been yonks between drinks for one of the gorgeous girls and I, so, naturally, we were catching up on the most important of topics: ‘How’s your love life?’
And a rather scandalous discovery was made… it turns out, in June this year, we had dated the same man. At the same time. Unbeknownst to both of us.
In fact, upon further inspection, it turns out he’d been messaging me while enjoying a gloriously romantic trip to New Zealand with her.
I know. It’s time to order another bottle.
A ladies’ lunch uncovers a multitude of sins. Seriously, uncork a bottle of chardonnay, throw in some pasta, and the stories come out… writes Jana Hocking (pictured at Totti’s in Bondi, Sydney, with her friend Hollie Nasser on Monday)
When my girlfriend revealed who she had been dating, my jaw hit the floor (Jana and Hollie are pictured with their friend Kate Adams, star of Bondi Vet and Real Housewives of Sydney)
A rather scandalous discovery was made… it turns out, in June this year, we had dated the same man. At the same time. Unbeknownst to both of us
The wine glasses were feverishly topped up as we dug out our phones, scrolled back to our last texts from him, and confirmed that this B-grade celebrity (yes, you probably know who he is) had been wining and dining us both. At the same time.
Everyone leaned in.
But this was no Lothario. Oh, no. This was a recently divorced middle-aged man with a truckload of baggage, living in a basement under his friend’s house. Be still my beating heart.
And yet, we fell for him. Well, briefly. Because here’s the thing about modern dating: men like him have mastered the art of a new-ish term called The Soft Boy Playbook. He lured us in with tales of heartbreak, divorce drama and regret – a perfect mixture to trigger the nurturing side of any woman with a pulse. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? You think, ‘Oh, maybe I can fix him.’ Spoiler alert: you can’t.
My friend and I compared notes. It turns out we had both been treated to the same dates, the same conversations and – yes – even the same pity-me text messages. Honestly, if this isn’t a representation of dating in 2024, I don’t know what is: a successful businesswoman (my friend) and a reasonably clued-up journo (yours truly) both bamboozled by a guy who can’t even rent his own place. Cringe.
Now, I’m ashamed to admit it – well, almost – but I’m a petty broad. And when I’m wronged, I like to make sure the culprit knows about it. Enter the era of the ‘petty-post’. For the uninitiated, it’s a well-timed Instagram pic with a sassy caption that sends a message loud and clear. I went for something along the lines of: ‘Did you even properly lunch if you didn’t realise two of you had dated the same guy this year (at roughly the same time!)’
I knew he’d see it.
And do you know what he did?
We dug out our phones, scrolled back to our last texts from him, and confirmed this B-grade celebrity (you probably know who he is) had been wining and dining us both – at the same time
When I’m wronged, I like to make sure the culprit knows about it. So the girls and I posted this snap on Instagram – including the two of us the celebrity dated earlier in the year
He liked it.
He. Liked. It.
I’ll give him this: he’s got massive balls. And maybe that’s the thing about guys like him. They’ve mastered the game. A little notoriety (even B-grade fame), a lot of charm and suddenly you’re brushing off glaring red flags like – oh, I don’t know – the fact that he lives in his mate’s basement.
Because let’s face it: the basement (as a man in his fifties) is the new ‘I live with my parents’ And yet, here we are.
Which brings me to this: why do we let men like this slide? Is it the allure of a single man of an appropriate age? The rush of matching with someone ‘different’? Or are we all just so overwhelmed by options these days that we overlook the obvious?
A study by YouGov found that nearly half of single people are dating multiple people at the same time. It’s a numbers game, and guys like him are thriving in it.
Sure, do whatever you like. But can you please not dip your wick twice in the same friendship group?
Thankfully, we clocked it early and kicked him to the curb. But still, perhaps we should be thanking him. After all, there’s something oddly therapeutic about swapping war stories with another woman who’s been there.
Shared trauma over a burrata and chardonnay – honestly, I wouldn’t trade that Totti’s lunch for the world. We laughed, we cringed and we toasted to dodging a bullet.
So, here’s my holiday PSA: if you find yourself dating a man who is living in his friend’s basement and over-sharing his divorce woes on the first date… maybe take it as a sign he’s not Mr Right.
Or don’t. Because sometimes, the story is worth it.
And for anyone wondering if I regret that Instagram post? Not a chance. Because petty or not, revenge really is a dish best served at Totti’s.
