A psychologist who specializes in apologies has revealed the best way to say ‘I’m sorry’ – detailing why that oft-used phrase can prove totally ineffective if said in the wrong way.
Harriet Lerner, who is the author of best-selling book ‘Why Won’t You Apologize?’, has studied the art of saying ‘I’m sorry’ for over 20 years and she’s now detailed how you can earn the understanding of someone no matter the mistake.
In the past, Harriet has detailed how delicate apologizing is and shared that you should always keep it short and sweet and never add a ‘but’ or ‘if.’
Now, the psychologist has once again shared how you can create the perfect apology that ‘heals’ all wounds.
Harriet Lerner, a psychologist who specializes in apologies has revealed the best way to ask for forgiveness
Speaking to Today, the psychologist revealed that people don’t often think about all the ways they hurt others.
She explained ‘the need to give and receive apologies is with us until our very last breath.’
And while Harriet noted that apologizing is essential, many don’t understand why mumbling the words ‘I’m sorry’ is even necessary.
The psychologist explained that when an apology is ‘done right’ it can be ‘deeply healing.’
However, when it’s done wrong, it can ‘put a crack in the foundation’ or even end a relationship.
Because we are all humans and will indefinitely make mistakes, the psychologist explained how you can own up to them and help those your hurt heal.
From listening to allowing time for forgiveness, she has detailed how you can say ‘I’m sorry’ the right way.
Step one: Listen and hear the wounded party to understand their hurt
The first step of asking for forgiveness is listening.
An effective apology begins with the willingness to listen and understand what the person who is hurting has to say, no matter if you agree.
Harriet said: ‘Sit on the hot seat and listen with an open heart to the anger of the wounded party.’
It’s important to sit down and discuss everything together.
However, this may take more than one conversation, so its essential that you and the wounded party make time for another talk.
‘If it’s a big betrayal, there’s no greater gift or one that’s more difficult to offer then the kind of listening where we put aside our defensiveness and listen to someone’s anger and pain when they’re accusing us of causing it,’ Harriet told Today.
Step two: Take accountability for your actions and never include a ‘but’ or ‘if’ in your apology
An effective plea for forgiveness doesn’t focus on the other person’s feelings or response, instead it allows you take responsibility for your words and actions (stock image)
Next, the psychologist noted you should always take ‘clear and direct’ responsibility for what you have done without any caveats.
More than anything, the hurt party wants to hear an apology that is genuine.
This means one without an ‘if’ or ‘but’ in it.
If you include a ‘but’ or ‘if’ in the apology, you undo the sincerity as those words always signal an excuse, cancelling out the original message.
Even if the statement you make after the ‘but’ is true, it still makes the apology false.
For example, ‘I’m sorry if I was insensitive’ doesn’t count as a genuine expression of regret.
Instead, you should say, ‘The comment I made was offensive. I’m sorry I was insensitive and it won’t happen again.’
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An effective plea for forgiveness doesn’t focus on the other person’s feelings or response, instead it allows you take responsibility for your words and actions.
Apologizing for someone else’s feelings implies that if they weren’t so sensitive, they wouldn’t be so wounded and takes the blame off of you.
Step three: Promise a solution and commit to making it right
Step three in forming the perfect apology, is making reparations, which Harriet describes as including a ‘corrective action’ in your apology.
This is essentially a solution that ensures you will rectify the wrong that has been committed and promises that it won’t happen again.
The psychologist gave the example of receiving bad service or food at a restaurant and the server says ‘I’m sorry’ but doesn’t make up for the poor service or food in any way.
‘It’s a terrible business error to apologize, but not to make it right,’ Harriet said.
When it comes to relationships and friendships, the apology expert explained that you need to make sure you let the hurt party know that you’re going to change your behavior.
And, you should keep in mind that just mumbling ‘I’m sorry’ won’t cut it for big issues such as affairs, abuse and various other toxic behaviors.
So, you should always bring up the issue at hand to begin with and initiate the apology as well as make a commitment that it won’t occur again.
Step four: Don’t push the person who has been hurt, give them space and time to heal
For the fourth step of forming the perfect apology, you will have to remember that most issues are not solved right away.
So, while you may hope that you will be forgiven as soon as you apologize, its more likely than not that it will take time for the wounded party to truly heal.
Once a genuine apology has been given, the process of healing begins.
However, it is ultimately up to the person who has been hurt to decide if or when they want to forgive you.
After you apologize, you should allow both time and space for the person to forgive you.
And even if they need to take more time, you should be respectful of their healing process and accept it.
If you are dealing relationship issues, rebuilding the trust may be an even longer process.
So, while apologizing is the best way to start, it isn’t always the only thing that will need to occur for you to be forgiven.
Step five: Keep an open mind if you want to move on from the issue
The last step of apologizing is validating each other’s opinions and having an open mind.
This means that both you and the person who has been hurt have to want to work through the issue for the two of you to work through it.
Regardless of whether or not you and the wounded party want to resolve the issue, you should still apologize.
But, if the two of you do want to work through the problem, it’s essential that you both keep an open mind.
You should never go straight to the defense and begin attacking the other person, but instead try to empathize with them.
Lastly, the psychologist explained that even though you deserve an apology, you may never receive the one you are hoping for.
‘People who commit serious hurt may never get to the point where they can admit to their harmful actions, much less apologize aim to repair them,’ Harriet said.
