Dear Jana,
I had a baby with a man I was never officially in a relationship with. We were seeing each other casually and I didn’t think it would go anywhere.
Then I found out I was pregnant; he didn’t disappear.
We did a prenatal DNA test and he was honestly over the moon to learn he was going to be a dad. He came to the scans, checked in on me, and has been there for our child since day one. Lately, he’s become even more involved.
Some nights he’ll stay over to help with the feeds. He cooks for me. He takes the baby out so I can rest. It’s made things between us feel intimate, even though we’ve never been a couple. Recently, he’s started saying that he thinks we should be together.
Part of me thinks it makes sense. We’re already in each other’s lives every day and we get on so well. But I’m not sure if that’s enough. I can’t tell if I’d be saying yes because I’m in love with him or because it’s easier than being apart.
I don’t want to damage what we have as co-parents. At the same time, I’m scared we might be ignoring something that might work. How do I figure out if this is worth a try or if it’s better to keep things the way they are?
Co-Parenting Dilemma.
A woman who is co-parenting a young child with a man she was only ever casually dating isn’t sure whether they should give it a go as a proper couple (stock image posed by models)
Dear Co-Parenting Dilemma,
My initial gut feeling is no – don’t add romance to the mix. The reason for that is you aren’t exactly giddy about him.
I mean, you’re not questioning whether he’s a good man – clearly, he is. But being a great dad doesn’t automatically mean he’s the person you want to share a bed with forever.
Romantic love and co-parenting are not the same. The overlap is lovely when it’s there, but it’s not compulsory. You can be incredible parents together without being a couple. You can also be a couple without being compatible parents. That’s why so many people find themselves with one, but not the other.
Before you make a decision, try imagining both scenarios. Picture yourself together properly. I’m talking weekends away, shared finances, introducing him as your partner. Now picture the other path – separate homes, dating other people, keeping the boundary of ‘good friends raising a child together’. Which one makes you feel calmer? Which one makes you feel more yourself?
Whatever you choose, don’t do it because it seems like the sensible, efficient thing to do. People don’t fall in love with efficiency. They fall in love with the person they can’t stop thinking about when they should be concentrating on something else.
If you’re not already feeling that about him, adding a relationship label isn’t going to conjure it out of thin air.
And if you are feeling it, for the love of God, take the risk. At worst, you’ll both know you tried. At best, you’ll be one of those smug couples who tell people they ‘weren’t even together when the baby was born’ and watch them choke on their flat white.
‘My initial gut feeling says no – don’t add romance to the mix. And the reason for that is that you aren’t exactly giddy about him,’ writes DailyMail+ agony aunt Jana Hocking
Dear Jana,
I’m getting married in three months, and lately, my fiancée has been making these little comments that are starting to get under my skin.
Things like, ‘We were so young when we got together,’ or, ‘I’d only been with two guys before you.’ She laughs when she says them, but I can’t help but read into it.
She’s also got a week-long bachelorette party in Bali coming up with a group of mostly single friends who are, honestly, quite promiscuous.
I think I trust her, but I worry she feels she’s missed out, and maybe she’ll want to make up for lost time before the wedding.
Am I being paranoid?
Pre-Wedding Panic.
A husband-to-be worries his fiancée is getting cold feet three months before their wedding – and her week-long bachelorette party in Bali is coming up… (stock image posed by models)
Dear Pre-Wedding Panic,
Cold feet are one thing, but what you’re describing feels more like she’s dangling her toes over the edge just to see how it feels.
Those little comments about how young she was, or how few people she’s slept with, feel like someone testing the air. She might not even realise she’s doing it, but it’s her way of saying she’s thinking about the road not taken.
It’s a sliding-doors moment known to many a bride-to-be.
But here’s the thing about her wild week in Bali with her single friends… it’s not necessarily a disaster waiting to happen.
Let me explain.
Those trips are more about having too many sickly sweet cocktails, bad karaoke, drunk deep-and-meaningfuls and getting regrettable tattoos than they are about cheating.
But, in the same way a boys’ trip to Vegas has ‘but nothing happened, I swear!’ baked into it, you are right that the setting can make insecurities flare.
Instead of policing her holiday, have an honest conversation with her before she goes.
Tell her what you’ve noticed and that it’s making you uneasy. The goal isn’t to accuse her, it’s to give her the opportunity to either reassure you or admit she’s feeling restless.
If she’s genuinely committed to you, she’ll want you to enter the marriage feeling secure. If she can’t give you that, you need to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone still wondering what she might be missing.
A wedding is a celebration, not a trap door. It’s better to find out now if one of you is still looking for the exit.
The man’s fiancée could be thinking about the road not taken, writes Jana (stock image)
Dear Jana,
My ex-husband is now dating a woman I thought was one of my closest friends.
She supported me through the divorce and listened to all my heartbroken rants. She really saw me at my lowest.
She says it wasn’t planned, that they were both surprised by their feelings, and wants me to be ‘understanding’, but I just feel humiliated. It feels like I shared my pain with someone who was already halfway out the door with him.
Am I right to see this as a betrayal, or is it just an awful coincidence that I need to move on from?
Stabbed in the Back.
Dear Stabbed in the Back,
You’re not wrong to see this as a betrayal – of course it’s a betrayal.
We can all debate the moral grey areas of love until the cows come home, but there are still a few unspoken rules most of us cling to – and ‘don’t date your mate’s ex-husband’ is one of them.
She had a front-row seat to your heartbreak, all those raw, unfiltered bits you don’t share with the wider world. So naturally it’s heartbreaking that she chose to cross a line that most friends would never even walk near.
The ‘we didn’t plan it’ line is just spin. People love to frame their bad choices as something the universe conspired to make happen. It makes it sound romantic instead of opportunistic. Don’t fall for it.
You don’t have to scream or set fire to the group chat, but you’re allowed to take a big step back from both of them. Protect yourself. Let them build their new relationship without using your forgiveness as a security blanket.
And remember, if this is how they began things, they’ll have to live with that. You don’t need to punish them – knowing what they’ve done should be punishment enough.
