Dear Jana,
My ex and I broke up a few months ago, and now he’s already moved in with someone new. He swore he wasn’t ready for a relationship, and yet here he is, playing happy families while I’m still picking up the pieces. It’s humiliating, but more than anything, I just miss him.
Let me start by saying that I know this is a bad idea… I know I should delete his number, block him, move on, do all the things my friends keep telling me to do. But I can’t. Because the truth is, I’m still in love with my ex.
When we were together, he was always pushing for a threesome. I never said yes; I wasn’t sure I wanted to share him. But now, out of nowhere, he’s texted me to say his new girlfriend might be open to the idea.
And suddenly I’m considering it. Not because I want some wild sexual adventure, but because it might be my last chance to be with him. One more night, one more moment where I can pretend things haven’t changed.
I know it’s probably self-destructive. I know it won’t bring him back. But is there any way this ends well? Or am I just signing myself up for more heartbreak?
Sincerely,
Struggling to Let Go.
Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking gives advice to a woman who wants to sleep with her ex when last time – even if it involves a threesome with him and his new girlfriend
Dear Struggling to Let Go,
Oh, yeah. You should totally go for it.
You know, if you really want to extend your heartbreak. In fact, I insist! Go ahead. Especially if you’d love a front-row seat to watching your ex-boyfriend orgasm while having sex with his hot new girlfriend.
Because I think you’re forgetting a very important detail: she will be there too. I highly doubt she’ll be sitting in the corner while you two get it one (unless she’s into that…)
So, no, you don’t need me to tell you this is a terrible, terrible, terrible bad idea. You already know that.
Fast forward to the next morning, and not only will you be filled with anxiety, but you’ll also be spiraling with thoughts like: Did she perform better than me? Does he like her body more? Did he finish quicker with her?
And let’s be real – what you’re really hoping for is that this will trigger some grand epiphany where he realises he made a mistake, he’s with the wrong woman, and he wants you back.
But spoiler alert: He won’t.
Jana has some very blunt advice for a woman considering a threesome with her ex
And since we’re being blunt, I’m just going to say it – he sounds like a d***. And not the good kind. More like the rancid eggplant-emoji kind.
I’m willing to bet he knows you’re still into him. Break-ups are never really mutual, are they? He knows you’re heartbroken. So why the hell is he asking you to partake in this masochistic mess?
Why would you want to do that to yourself?
Because lovesickness is an actual sickness. Our brains turn to absolute mush when we’re heartbroken. We do things we would never do if we were thinking clearly.
And while you’re feeling fragile (which I expect your grubby ex is quite aware of) I’m going to be your fairy godmother and insist you refrain from this threesome.
Hell, if I knew one of your friends, I’d call them up and tell them to barricade you inside your house.
Right now, you need to dig deep, find that inner strength (which I promise you do have) and tell this man to bugger off.
It’s a no to threesomes… at least not with him.
Go to the gym, get hot, get horny and when you’re ready – and if you’re still curious about some three-way action – go find a couple who actually deserves your time.
A woman who is jealous of her best friend’s open marriage asks Jana if she and her husband should do the same (stock image posed by models)
Dear Jana,
I’ve never admitted this out loud – not even to my closest friends – but I think I might be jealous of my best friend’s open marriage.
She and her husband have been together for ten years, and a while back, they decided to start seeing other people. At first, I thought it was a disaster waiting to happen. But instead of falling apart, they seem happier than ever.
She tells me about these passionate flings, the excitement of meeting someone new, the rush of sneaking off for a mid-week date – and then how she comes home to her husband, and it somehow makes their connection even stronger.
She swears it’s done wonders for their marriage, and I can’t help but wonder if it could do the same for mine.
My husband and I love each other, but we’ve settled into a comfortable, predictable rhythm where nothing’s wrong, but nothing feels particularly exciting either.
The idea of shaking things up is tempting, but I have no idea how to bring it up without making him think I’ve already got someone in mind.
Then, just as I was getting serious about the idea, my friend’s husband let something slip over a few too many drinks. It turns out he’s only going along with the open marriage to keep her happy. If it were up to him, they’d still be monogamous and she wouldn’t be seeing other men.
That threw me. From the outside, their marriage looks like the ultimate modern love story, but now I can’t help but wonder if she’s the only one truly benefitting from it.
So now I don’t know what to think.
Should I still explore opening things up with my husband, or is this one of those situations where it’s better to appreciate what I have instead of chasing something that might not actually make us happier?
Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
There’s a lot to unpack here, so I went straight to someone I know and trust for their opinion. I asked my divorce attorney friend if open marriages were the secret to lasting love.
His response? A hard no.
And this is a man who’s seen it all when it comes to relationships crashing and burning (trust me, divorce has paid for a very nice house).
Open marriages sound fun but, in reality, they often end in disaster. He says couples think a little side action will spice things up, but it usually opens Pandora’s box instead.
Jealousy creeps in, power imbalances emerge (spoiler: one partner always does better on the dating apps) and before you know it, the ‘freedom’ experiment turns into a divorce settlement.
‘Put it this way,’ he told me, ‘I don’t see the ones that work, I only see the ones that end up in my office.’ And judging by his caseload, there are plenty.
Here’s the brutal truth: most people don’t open their marriage because they’re happy; they do it because they’re already halfway out the door.
So, are you halfway out the door – or just bored?
Because there’s a massive difference between needing a new adventure with your husband and looking for one outside your marriage. And if your friend’s husband is just going along with it to keep her happy, that should be a giant red flag.
Here’s a reality check from me: Sex with someone new is fun – but so is falling back in love with your husband. Maybe what you need isn’t a new lover, but a new experience together.
A flirty text or a wild weekend away could reignite the spark. A session with a really good couples therapist could also work wonders, if you think you need it.
And don’t forget, most open marriages have a shelf life. It works for a while – until feelings get messy, one person wants more, or someone realises they actually don’t want to share their spouse.
And here’s the scary part: once you open the door, you might not be able to close it again. Even if you don’t go through with it, the fact you even considered it? That plants a seed of doubt that’s hard to shake.
So before you even consider this, ask yourself: Do I want a more exciting marriage or do I want an open one? Because they are not the same thing.
Dear Jana,
I’ve been dating this guy for six months, and he’s great except for one tiny problem: his mother is basically his other girlfriend.
She comes and cleans his whole house once a week, he calls her multiple times a day, and when I stayed over one weekend, she actually dropped off his ‘favourite breakfast’ at the door. And we were in the midst of a bit of ‘morning glory’. So wrong!
It’s starting to feel like there are three people in this relationship, and I’m not sure how to bring it up without looking like a monster. Help!
Sasha.
Dear Sasha,
I hate to tell you this, but you are not in a relationship; you’re in a creepy ménage à trois. His mother really needs to back off.
Okay, that was a little harsh and maybe I’m slightly triggered because hearing your story brought up a past memory for me. I once dated a guy like this before. Lovely bloke, great in many ways, but his mum had never heard the word ‘boundaries’.
I remember when he got injured in a soccer game, lost a few teeth, and I stayed up all night looking after him. I was being a doting girlfriend, all that jazz, and, you know, I thought I’d proven my worth.
Nope. At 2am, his mum rocked up at the door in her slippers to personally give him his medication. Obviously, I was not to be trusted with such an important task!
So, Sasha, I feel your pain. And look, having a close bond with your mum is cute… right? But calling multiple times a day is giving ‘co-dependency issues’.
You should never have to choose between enjoying your boyfriend and wondering if his mum is lurking outside with a tray of pancakes. That’s a crime against orgasms.
So, first I’ll tell you what not to do: Do not go in all guns blazing about his ‘mummy issues’. That’s a one-way ticket to a defensive meltdown.
Instead, frame it as your need for space and independence in the relationship. Try something like:
‘I love that you’re close with your mum, but I need to feel like we have our own little world too. I’d love for us to build our own routines without outside interruptions – especially in the mornings, if you catch my drift.’
If he gets it, great. If he brushes it off or tells you ‘that’s just how she is’, buckle up because this isn’t changing anytime soon.
And if that’s the case, ask yourself: Are you cool with dating both of them?
Because if she’s still making his bed and scheduling his meals, maybe you could get her to make yours as well. I mean, there’s always an upside.
