Season 3, Episode 2: “I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.”
1. “You’re not gonna get vermin, you’re not gonna get intruders, and you’re definitely not gonna get this thing:
2. “My next door neighbor put a Richard Nixon mask on a pig and had it go through my doggy door because we’d been arguing over a property line.”
3. “But I didn’t know what the fuck was happening cause I barely been sleeping since my wife got flipped upside down by a swing dancer at a wedding. He must’ve flipped my wife eight times! And it really bothered me.”
4. “When you can’t sleep and you see that thing, you’re not just like right away ‘That’s a pig with a mask.’ You’re like, ‘That’s gonna kill me, that’s real, that lives with us on Earth.’”
6. “I’m not a stupid fuckin’ idiot. I know it was just a pig. But for 50 seconds, it felt really real. And when you think you’re gonna get eaten and your first thought is ‘Great, I don’t have to go to work tomorrow.’ You’re relieved you don’t have to go to work because you thought you were gonna get eaten!? What the fuck is this world? What have they done to us? What did they do to us?!
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7. “That one egg was 40 eggs?”
8. “It’s got a bush? What the hell?”
10. Man: Marcus, this is very serious. You can’t look at porn in the office.
Marcus: Porn? That’s a nude egg I won from my game. I’m not in trouble at all. Now… we should be able to look at a little porn at work.
11. “He had a piece of plywood painted black, like it was the wall of the limo. Like it was the end of the limo. But I could hear people in there. And there was a part of it that was over the ice tray. And sometimes we’d see a hand come under the plywood and grab the ice tray to pull it to their side, and the hand had a Super Bowl ring on it. And every few minutes the wall would push up, like they were trying to get more space. And when I asked the driver what was going on, he said, ‘Shut up.’”
12. “I was showing my date a picture of a bunny and what the bunny was doing, and then 150 springs hit her in the face. The springs when in her soup. There was 300 springs in her soup.”
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