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Dear Jana,
I’m happily married… but I had a one-night stand while away on a girls’ trip.
It wasn’t planned. We were in Bali, I’d had a few margaritas, and he was a hot Swedish backpacker who honestly could’ve talked the knickers off a nun.
I love my husband, I really do. In many ways, he’s perfect. But our love life has been lacking the past year or so and this felt like a wild, stupid, one-time thing. Nothing emotional, just a moment.
One of my girlfriends is giving me grief and says I should confess.
But another tells me I should take the secret to my grave because – in her words – ‘this stuff happens all the time… I cheat on my husband too.’
What do I do? I feel sick, like I’m now part of a ‘Cuckolding Wives Club’ because of one mistake. Am I a horrible person if I just pretend it never happened?
Guilty as charged.
A woman asks Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking if she should come clean about her one-night stand with a Swedish backpacker
Dear Guilty as charged,
Grave. That’s exactly where it needs to go. Just like your second friend advised, straight to the grave.
Unless, of course, you want to blow up your marriage? Because let’s be real, people do tend to get real yappy when they’re in the middle of a self-sabotage spiral.
Sometimes they blurt things out just to give their life a juicy plot twist without thinking about the long-term fallout. Which in your case, could be divorce.
So unless you’re ready for that kind of chaos… zip it. Listen, I’m not here to hand out halos or pitchforks. Life’s messy, people are flawed, and sometimes our knickers fall before our brains catch up, especially when Swedish accents and boozy cocktails are involved. I get it.
The important thing here is that you said it was a moment, not a pattern. No lingering text messages. No secret longing. Just a hot-blooded hiccup.
So, unless you’re planning on turning this into an affair, your guilt is your cross to quietly bear.
Now, if your marriage is something you truly value (which it sounds like it is), maybe channel this guilt into action.
Jana reckons the misbehaving wife should take the secret of her holiday fling to her grave (stock image posed by models)
Reignite the spark at home. Seduce your husband like he’s the backpacker. Flirt, play, touch more. Sometimes infidelity is a symptom, not the disease.
And to your judgy friend: unless she’s walked a mile in your marriage, she doesn’t get to pass final judgement. Shame is a useless souvenir; ditch it at customs.
You’re not a horrible person. You’re a human one. Just don’t make the same detour twice. Oh, and if you do, for the love of god wear a condom.
Dear Jana,
I only date men with money, does that make me shallow or smart?
I grew up watching my mother struggle financially in a relationship with a bloke who never contributed anything.
Now I’m in my 30s, I’ve decided I want someone who’s successful and can afford the same kind of lifestyle I work hard for. My friends keep unfairly judging me and saying I’m transactional, but I don’t feel bad about it.
Am I wrong for having this as a standard?
Show Me the Money, Honey
Dear Show Me the Money, Honey,
Okay, let me stop you right there: you’re not shallow – you’re strategic.
Wanting a partner who matches your hustle isn’t gold-digging, it’s called goal-setting. You watched your mother carry the weight of a relationship solo (as did I for a small part of my life – so, trust me, I get it), and instead of repeating the pattern, you’ve made a conscious decision to level up.
‘Love doesn’t pay the mortgage, and charisma can’t book a holiday,’ Jana tells a woman who only dates men with money (stock image posed by models)
Pfft, that’s not transactional; I believe it’s transformational.
We don’t shame people for wanting someone hot, funny or emotionally intelligent, so why is financial stability suddenly taboo? Especially when, let’s be honest, it plays a huge part in long-term happiness.
Love doesn’t pay the mortgage, and charisma can’t book a holiday.
The truth is, money doesn’t buy love, but it makes life a hell of a lot easier – and if you’ve busted your butt to create a certain lifestyle, you absolutely deserve a partner who adds to it, not drains it.
Just make sure you can enjoy a conversation with him as well. Financially secure men with a great attitude = the jackpot.
So next time your friends raise an eyebrow, tell them: ‘I’m not asking for a billionaire, I’m asking for an equal.’ That puts it in the right perspective.
Secure the bag, and your standards.
Dear Jana,
I fantasise about my husband’s brother a lot. It started off harmless – a bit of banter at family events, the odd cheeky flirtation, but lately I find myself thinking about him way too much.
He’s single and has way more charisma than my husband. I feel guilty even writing this, but I haven’t acted on it.
Am I just bored in my marriage, or is this kind of fantasy totally normal? I kind of feel like I could have a chance with him, and life is short…
Horny sister-in-law.
Dear Horny sister-in-law,
Serious question, are you ovulating right now? Because at a ‘certain’ time of the month I could get turned on by the simple tone of a man’s grunt. Honestly, it’s wild what our hormones will do when they decide to have a little fun without consulting us.
But jokes aside, let’s turn to an old Gandhi quote: ‘Fantasies are the junk food of the mind.’ Okay, that’s a lie, I just made that up – but it’s true, right?
They are delicious, naughty and best enjoyed in moderation. The fact that you’re fantasising about your brother-in-law doesn’t make you a terrible person; it simply makes you human.
We all have those ‘what if?’ moments when real life feels a bit beige and the forbidden starts looking all glittery and exciting.
But here’s the thing: thoughts aren’t crimes. You haven’t acted on it, and that says a lot about your character (bravo you!) You’re craving excitement, not necessarily him.
So before you throw a hand grenade into your life at the next family BBQ, ask yourself: Is it really him I want? Or is he just representing the thrill I’m missing in my marriage?
Charisma is great, but so is loyalty, stability and not blowing up Christmas for the next 20 years.
My advice is this: Channel that sexual energy back into your own relationship. Try something new in the bedroom. Book a cheeky weekend away.
Or if you’re truly that unsatisfied, have the hard conversation… with your husband, not his hotter sibling.
And in the meantime, maybe avoid eye contact at Easter lunch. You’re not a terrible person. Just a bored one. But remember: daydreams are free – divorces are not.
