After weeks of sniffing around intense investigations into that bag of happy dust found in the West Wing, the Secret Service has wrapped up its investigation.
Conclusion: the Secret Service has “no idea” who left the bounce powder in what should be the most secure part of the most secure building in the world.
The FBI lab reportedly found no fingerprints or DNA on the bag. We are told surveillance cameras were unable to help the Secret sleuths locate the owner of the candy ‘caine.
“Without physical evidence, the investigation will not be able to single out a person of interest from the hundreds of individuals who passed through the vestibule where the cocaine was discovered,” Secret Service officials revealed.
Who could have left the baggie of buzz thrill?
FACT-O-RAMA! The Secret Service has a sordid history of its own, including a prostitution scandal in Colombia that involved up to 20 caliente strumpets.
Lefty news outlets were quick to point out that the drugs were found in a “heavy traffic part of the White House,” suggesting that anyone could have dropped them.
As our own Paula Bolyard pointed out, what if that powder had turned out to be something more sinister?
Related: The Morning Briefing: What if They’d Found Anthrax in the White House Instead of Cocaine?
If that bag had contained anthrax, would the Secret Service have dropped the investigation without an arrest? Or are they doing someone a party favor?
HUNTER’S FAVORITE FACT-O-RAMA! Possession of cocaine is but a misdemeanor in Washington D.C.
A video showed America’s First popinjay — and legendary bagman — (see what I did there?) Hunter Biden on the Truman Terrace of the White House looking really coked-out and perhaps even surreptitiously snagging a bump of Snow White.
Read Related Also: DeSantis: To demolish the 'deep state,' you have to start on Day One
BREAKING: The Secret Service has ended their investigation into the bag of cocaine found at the White House, finding no suspects.
This is your sign that the culprit was almost certainly Hunter Biden.
Let’s call this what it is: A cover up.
According to former acting… pic.twitter.com/nvdEeI4V8H
— Collin Rugg (@CollinRugg) July 13, 2023
The Secret Service refused a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request by Jason Leopold of Bloomberg News, asking for a treasure trove of evidence regarding what has come to be known as “Cocainegate.”
The Secret Service’s reason for the denial was because they believe doing so “could reasonably be expected to interfere with enforcement proceedings.”
What about now that the investigation is closed?
Blessedly, Leopold and Bloomberg are expected to appeal the decision.
“Nothing unusual with that response,” Leopold tweeted. “I’m still going to appeal though because agencies cannot issue a blanket b7a [sic] denial without conducting a document-by-document search and segregating records that would not interfere with enforcement proceedings, if any exist.”
With the investigation closed, we may never know if Hunter Biden, who is currently residing at the White House and wrote a book about his drug abuse, was behind the 8-ball.
