I’ve met many women who’ve been pregnant multiple times. Some have been pregnant over a dozen times! So they became pregnant (repeatedly) fully knowing how “painful” childbirth is.
Well, I’ve also known lots of dudes who’ve been kneed, punched, or had a football hurled directly at their groin — and none of them EVER chose to get hit in the crotch again!
Conclusion: A guy getting hit in the crotch must hurt more than childbirth.
Recently in China, scientists discovered a new species of “humans.” They lived between 300,000 to 50,000 years ago and had thriving communities alongside modern-day humans.
Intriguingly, their brains were significantly larger than any other hominin species — including humans.
Scientists have dubbed these big-headed people “Homo julurensis” and believe they hunted wild horses, used stone tools, and (I assume) wore very large hats.
The average volume of a human skull is 1,339 ml. The size and scope of the human mind are powerful enough to unravel the deepest, darkest secrets in the universe. We’ve walked on the moon and sent robots to Mars.
But the average volume of a Homo julurensis skull was 1,700. That’s a huge difference!
That’s actually the second known hominid species with larger brains than us. The average volume of a Neanderthal skull was about 1,500 ml.
So we’re not exactly the geniuses of our family tree. We’re the dolts and dullards with puny heads, surrounded by hominids who looked like walking candy apples. Yet somehow, we pinheads out-evolved our big-headed competition.
It’s possible their large heads were a net disadvantage: Brains are calorically demanding organs. They burn through more fuel than any other part of our body. Because of their larger brains, it’s believed Neanderthals needed 350 more daily calories than humans.
Presumably, the Homo julurensis had to consume even more.
During times of scarcity, that could be a huge disadvantage. It could be the answer to the age-old question, “Why did humans survive and not the others?” Perhaps we weren’t smarter, wiser, or more capable; maybe we simply had cheaper overhead.
Still, speaking of “heads,” you also wonder how that affected childbirth. Despite the hysterics of the “gender is just a social construct!” crowd, male and female hips are built structurally different. Male hips are tighter and more compact, which allows for greater utility in physical competition, such as wrestling or fighting. Female hips are wider via necessity: They needed to be larger because of the birthing process.
So how did the Homo julurensis give birth?
I’m guessing there was a lot of screaming. Perhaps the Homo julurensis invented the first curse words? (I wouldn’t be surprised if they also invented the first earplugs.)
But if the Homo julurensis survived from 300,000 years ago to as recently as 50,000 years ago, that’s at least a quarter of a million years of big-headed babies being born. Babies with heads so freakishly oversized that they looked like MODOK.
Therefore, as an objective, highly trained analyst of societal trends, there’s only one logical conclusion: Human childbirth can’t be THAT bad!
Clearly, you ladies have been exaggerating.
I’m not saying childbirth is particularly pleasant. Like, I’m sure it’s no walk in the park. But with our pinheaded human babies, how bad can it be?!
Not nearly as bad as taking a line drive to the groin, I’ll bet.
