There is a debate raging online about whether it is appropriate for people in heterosexual relationships to use the word “partner” to describe their significant other.
While most people probably don’t give a second thought about using the term “partner” when referencing a long-term romantic relationship, there are those that believe it appropriates queer language and culture when it is used by cis people in heterosexual relationships.
But those on the opposite side of the debate claim using the term actually normalizes more inclusive language and helps to further destigmatize LGBTQI relationships.
This debate has been around for a while, but it was brought to light again in a recent etiquette guide by The Cut, which claimed it is “annoyingly vague and smug” when straight people use the term partner.
Coming in at number 10 under the ‘New Rules for Friends and Lovers’ section of the article was the claim: “Straight people can use the word partner only when they’re trying to get something out of it”.
The article gave some examples of when it is OK for straight couples to use the term, including when trying to procure an apartment, get a seat on a plane next to your significant other or in negotiations with bosses regarding relocation.
The article gave some examples of when it is OK for straight couples to use the term, including when trying to procure an apartment, get a seat on a plane next to your significant other or in negotiations with bosses regarding relocation.
LGBTQI educator and coach Dr. Sophia Graham said during the AIDS crisis, many gay people were being excluded and banned from being by their partner’s side in the hospital and attending their funerals, so “partner” was used instead of say “boyfriend” to signal the depth of their relationship.
However, she also noted that the term “partner” isn’t exactly new and has been used by heterosexual people for centuries, telling InsideHook it is “reasonably easy to find presumably cishet people describing someone as their partner” in literature dating back to the 19th century.
“The fact that LGBTQ people popularised this term doesn’t mean it only belongs to us,” she said.
However, there are still people that have a negative reaction to use of the word partner by non-LGBTQI couples, with one of the main reasons being that for a long time using the term was a way for people in the gay community to avoid stigmatization and persecution.
The fact that straight people can opt in and out of using gender-neutral language like partner doesn’t sit right with some people.
Last month, US podcast host and journalist Katie Herzog sparked a lively debate on Twitter by claiming the only time straight people should use the term “partner” is when they are “talking about their podcast host”.
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There were many people who agreed with her, with one commenter claiming they “always find it odd” when straight-married people use this term.
“Omg yes. This is such a pet peeve of mine and people don’t get it. Probably bc they’re straight,” another wrote.
One added: “When I hear straight people use it I just assume they’re gay and then get confused later when I find out.”
Another claimed the only time straight people should use the term partner “is never”.
However, there were just as many people on the opposite side of the debate, with one branding Ms. Herzog’s statement “ridiculous and obnoxious”.
“‘Partner’ suggests equality. Seems like an ideal way to refer to someone you’re in a relationship with regardless of their sex. I always found husband/wife kind of fusty,” one person said.
Many commenters referenced the lack of better options for people in serious, unmarried heterosexual relationships.
“Boyfriend” and “girlfriend” sound too high school, “significant other” sounds too formal and “companion” doesn’t really scream serious relationship.
Therefore, many couples default to the word partner.
One commenter called the podcast host’s tweet an “awful take”.
“I’m not going to use girlfriend/boyfriend because I’m not 12. And what if I’m gay, but don’t feel comfortable outing myself to the person I’m talking to?” they said.
Another said: “In addition to the fringe of adults having bf/gf, I feel no need to broadcast the gender of my partner, any more than I have interest in being addressed by my marital status.”
So, the question remains, is it appropriate and even inclusive for people in heterosexual relationships to use the term partner – or does it appropriate LGBTQI culture and language in a negative way?
