DEAR ABBY: My dad is a registered sex offender who has done time for his crimes against children. My mother has continued to have contact with him and has repeatedly chosen him over her own children. She doesn’t respect our wishes, and we believe she gives him information about our lives and our images.
With a child on the way, I cannot continue the same level of contact with her because of this. I’m not willing to have my child be at her home because she has Dad there often. I’m also unwilling to give her photographs of my child because I believe she would share them with Dad. I won’t leave her alone with my little one because I believe she’d immediately set up a get-together for my sex offender dad to have contact with my child.
How should I handle setting these boundaries? What do I do if other members of my family blame me for splitting up our family? — MAMA BEAR IN OHIO
DEAR MAMA BEAR: You are the mama (bear), and you get to set the rules when it comes to who has access to your child. Because you cannot trust your mother not to ignore the boundaries you are setting, you will have to restrict her access to her grandchild. If this causes problems with other family members, so be it. You don’t have to apologize to anyone for doing your job. Sex offenders are supposed to stay away from minor children after they have served their time. If they don’t do that, they should be reported to the police.
DEAR ABBY: Is there ever a way to give unsolicited advice in a way it can be appreciated? A co-worker I’ve become friendly with spent the weekend in the hospital with off-the-charts high blood pressure. She went to the clinic for a headache last Friday, and they sent her to the ER immediately. I’m very worried she’s going to have a stroke.
She’s in an unhappy marriage to a man who is mean. When they fight, which is often, she retreats and goes out to eat in order to avoid him and feel better. She has also started drinking every night (she kids about how much wine she buys) and has put on a lot of weight. When she talks about trying to get healthy, we plan walking dates or to go to yoga at lunch.
What I really want to do is ask, “Have you thought about marriage counseling?” because if she could lower her relationship stress, the other things might be easier. She hasn’t asked for my advice. Should I give it anyway? — MINDING MY BUSINESS
DEAR MINDING: Eventually, yes. However, before you do that, please tell your co-worker she needs to have a serious talk with her physician about her blood pressure problem. There is medication for it, as well as certain dietary restrictions. After she has done that — and her blood pressure is stabilized — would be the time to suggest she talk with a marriage and family therapist about how to improve her relationship with her husband.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
