DEAR ABBY: My young adult child came out to us as transgender several months ago. My husband and I, along with her sibling, are supportive and love her unconditionally.
She recently decided to share the news with her grandparents, sending a heartfelt email along with a couple of resources specifically for grandparents. One grandparent has been completely supportive, immediately started using the correct name and pronouns, began doing some research and continues to treat her as the amazing young adult she is.
The other grandparents sent a text that pretty much said, “We love you because you’re family, but we don’t really support you.” They have had no contact since. My child is extremely disappointed, and my heart breaks for her. She (and we) knows she may lose friends and family over this, but I guess we always hoped grandparents’ love was unconditional. What advice do you have for her and for us to continue to support her? — UNCONDITIONALLY IN OREGON
DEAR UNCONDITIONALLY: Your daughter is fortunate to have loving, supportive parents, siblings and one grandparent who is willing (and able) to accept her as her true self. She needs to be prepared for the fact that not everyone will do that.
This other set of grandparents appear to be less open to learning and less flexible in what they are able to accept. Your daughter should continue on her own path and not permit their judgments to define her. If she can do that, she’ll be happier.
DEAR ABBY: Last year, my husband and I relocated to my hometown, which I left 40 years ago. We are happy with our choice to return. Our problem is my friend “Shirley,” who I have known since grade school. Shirley has always been a high achiever, but lately she has been taking credit for our positive life decisions.
At the dinner party we threw to thank neighbors and childhood friends for supporting us through our move, Shirley dominated the conversation about her role. When I reconnect with former classmates, if she is around, she inserts herself and makes the conversation about her, or puts me down by making passive-aggressive comments.
Shirley’s had a rough life, so I have chalked it up to her needing a win. But now she’s doing this with my husband, and it has crossed the line. She didn’t do this when we lived out of state. What can I do to put our friendship back to a more equal footing? — REACHING THE LIMIT IN OHIO
DEAR REACHING: Please reread your letter. The person you have described is not a “friend” — she’s an insecure, jealous individual you happen to have known for a long time. She needs to be the center of attention regardless of how it makes you appear. Do NOT fool yourself into thinking you can make someone like this into a friend. The less you see of Shirley, the better off you and your husband will be.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
