I grieved for Rio’s first wife even though I never met her, says Kate Ferdinand

I WAS 26 when I met Rio on the beach while on holiday.

I was young, free and single and living my best life.

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Rio, on the other hand, was 38, with three kids and widowed – the perfect match. Lol!

It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to go home and tell my mum about, and it certainly wasn’t what I’d imagined when I’d envisaged my future family.

But you can’t control how you feel.

When I fell in love with Rio, it all seemed pretty simple to me at first.

I thought, “If they’re his children and he loves them, well, then I’ll love them too.

“And I’ll make it work, because we’re one”. Sorted.

If only it were that simple.

When I look back, I can see now that I was naive.

I had no idea how much time and effort it would take to create a fully blended family.

I struggled with being a stepmum at first, partly because I had no one to share my experiences with and felt that no one understood what I was going through.

That’s why I’ve written my new book, How To Build A Family, about the challenges blended families can face and how to overcome them.

In this extract, I’d like to share some of the issues that came up for our family – Rio, 44, Lorenz, 16, Tate, 14,  Tia, 11, and our two year-old son, Cree.

Although sometimes our life may look perfect, I can assure you it’s not.

I’m so grateful now for my big blended family with another – baby girl on the way this year – but it’s been one hell of a journey to get here.

• Extracted by EMILY FAIRBAIRN from How To Build A Family, by Kate Ferdinand, (Vermilion, £16.99), out on May 11.

GRIEF

I MET my stepchildren in 2017.

Their mum Rebecca had passed away two years before and, shortly after I met them, their nan – who had become like a mum to them – also passed, so they went through a double tragedy.

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I found it a real struggle coming in as a step-parent for children who had lost their biological mum.

If I could bring Rebecca back, I would in an instant because of the pain I’ve seen in them.

A child losing their parent is horrendous.

You want to scoop them up and bring their mum back to make them happy, but you can’t.

As a step-parent coming into a bereaved home, you can sometimes find yourself in situations where you feel like you’re walking in the steps of someone else’s life.

But what’s strange is that I found myself grieving for Rebecca when I moved in with Rio and the children, even though I didn’t know her.

I remember thinking it was so weird at the time, but when I googled, “Can you take on someone else’s grief?” I realised other step-parents have said the same thing.

I remember feeling really guilty that I was upset, because it wasn’t about me.

But then, when I took some time and thought about it all logically, I came to understand that it’s like there’s a connection between us:

Both of us being mums to the kids, me knowing what it must have felt like as a mum to leave her children, as well as wanting to do the right thing for the kids that Rebecca would be happy with.

What an odd feeling it is to feel sad and wish that your husband’s previous wife would come back for the sake of the kids.

It’s really important to me that Rebecca is a huge part of our lives and is often in our conversations.

I know so much about her now, so it’s easy for me to bring her up with the kids and try to get involved where I can.

Sometimes this works, sometimes it falls completely flat!

My desire to know more about the kids’ memories and their previous life, and the kids sharing it all with me so openly, is a testament to our relationship.

However, it has its downsides too.

If I’m feeling fragile and have too much info about Rio and his previous wife, it can become very heavy for me. It is a real balancing act.

My stepchildren were all of different ages when their mum died and they all deal with it completely differently.

The older boys have more memories of their mum and Tia struggles a bit with the fact that she hasn’t.

It’s really hard because they are each grieving differently.

I just try to support the kids in whatever way I can, whether that’s sitting with them, listening to them or just cuddling and chatting with them when their feelings become overwhelming.

Number one for me is to always emphasise that I’m not trying to take the role of their mum.

The way I see it, Rebecca started the job and I’m finishing it.

All three of us – Rio, Rebecca and I – are the kids’ parents.

GETTING MARRIED

MARRIAGE is something I have always wanted and it is something Rio and I would talk about together and as a family.

Rio proposed on October 31, 2018 – with it being Halloween, I’m not sure if he was implying I’m a witch!

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The kids were there and we all went out to dinner that evening to celebrate.

Before we were married I’d sometimes find it difficult, because every time anyone referred to Rio’s “wife” they were talking about Rebecca, which made me feel like a spare part.

After the wedding I felt more secure and confident in my role as a stepmum.

Rio would probably argue that I was secure anyway, but for me it makes me feel safe.

Marriage can be very confusing for children, though, so making them a part of the journey and your decisions is really important.

Rio and I exchanged rings, but I also bought each of the kids a love bracelet to signify that it wasn’t just about me and Daddy, it was about us all coming together as one.

It’s important to bring the kids along with you every step of the way, from the early days of thinking about getting married to the day itself.

We wanted the children to be a big part of our special day.

The boys walked me down the aisle and Tia was my maid of honour.

All three of the kids gave speeches and everyone in the room was in tears.

It was so special and we’ll all remember it for ever.

MOVING IN

MOVING in with Rio and the kids is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

One minute you are independent, the next you’re adapting to somebody else’s schedule and getting your head around the logistics of the school run, after-school clubs, bedtime routines and family dinners.

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Not only did I now have children to care for daily, but I didn’t know where anything was and I was surrounded by lots of memories from a former life.

To put it frankly, it just wasn’t my home and it’s taken a long time for me to feel relaxed here.

My flat in Essex was quite modest, but when I first moved into the house, I found myself longing to be in my flat every day.

I found myself slotted in to everyone else’s way of life. I felt as though we needed to continue their way of doing things.

But this gave me some identity issues and it became clear we needed to make some memories together and adapt to the new family set-up.

I know I’m not the only step-parent to find there are difficult conversations to be had about things changing in the home.

But once those conversations are had, and everyone has been given a voice, including the children, as a family you can feel better about the change and move on.

You can’t do these things quickly, though.

At the forefront of all our decisions was (and still is) how this would make the kids feel – and this then guided us through each decision we made.

We also had to make a choice about what to do with the photos of Rebecca that were scattered around the house.

This included a huge wall of photos arranged behind the staircase, showing them all as a family tree, that you could see from every room of the house.

It was awkward. It felt like I shouldn’t really be there and I was embarrassed to invite my friends over.

It’s such a fine balance making sure you feel comfortable in your own home while not erasing the other parent’s memory.

But we came up with creating a room we now call “Mum and Nan’s room”.

It wasn’t easy making this change and, again, we had lots of conversations.

But the children chose their favourite pictures of their mum and nan and we reframed them and put them up in this room.

We still sit in Mum and Nan’s room, and we still talk about both of them.

Now we’re all comfortable because there’s space for everyone.

It sounds easy when you say it like that, but it wasn’t. It took a while.

For me, it wasn’t about removing Rebecca’s presence from the house – it was more about creating a happy space to keep their memories alive

AWKWARD QUESTIONS

“ARE they your kids?”, “How many children do you have?”, “Are you their mum?”

Oh those dreaded questions. I always struggled when I first got asked these and, though people probably didn’t mean to upset me or make me anxious, they always did.

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Even now I can be very tetchy around this subject.

Although I’m not their biological mum, I still call Lorenz, Tate and Tia my kids. With Cree, I am a mum of four. I have four children.

If you suggest I have one, I will correct you. If you treat one differently to the other three, I will have a problem.

I believe all four of the children should be treated equally.

If you ask if I am their mum, I will say that I am their stepmum and, although they are not biologically mine, I still see them as my children.

Questions like this may keep popping up in public and it’s inevitable that people will refer to you as the kids’ mum or dad – “I’ve just given it to your mum”, “You and your dad can come in now”.

This can sometimes feel uncomfortable. It’s kind of like the elephant in the room and it takes a lot of energy to correct people, so there may be times when you let it go.

But it’s important you’ve had a private chat with your partner and the kids about these potential situations and agree on what would work best as a family.

This way, when anyone asks again, you will all feel more comfortable.