An expert in body language and people skills has revealed one question you shouldn’t ask in social situations – as it is likely to make people dislike you.
Vanessa Van Edwards is the founder of Science of People, an organisation which ‘gives people science-backed skills to improve communication and leadership’. She is also the author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People and Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication.
She recently appeared on an episode of Steven Bartlett’s podcast Diary of a CEO, where she spoke about a range of topic – including why you shouldn’t fake smile, how to be more charismatic, and the question you shouldn’t ask people in social situations.
While discussing which questions you should ask people if you want to ‘level up’ your connection with them, Vanessa also highlighted the one query which she believes is a conversational no-no.
She said: ‘Stop asking “what do you do?” […]. That is telling them their brain can stay on autopilot. Asking someone that question is really asking “what are you worth?”.
‘And if someone’s not defined by what they do, it’s actually a rude question.’
Moving on to what to ask in place of that question, she said: ‘You can replace it with “working on anything exciting these days?” or “working on anything exciting recently?”
Vanessa explained: ‘This is permission connection. You ask someone that question, you are giving them permission if they want to tell you about what they do.
Vanessa Van Edwards (pictured) who helps people achieve better communication skills, recently appeared on Steven Bartlett’s podcast The Diary of a CEO
“If they are not defined by what they do, they’ll tell you something better.
‘And that also gives you really good nuggets for the next time you see them, when you can say, “hey, how was that thing you were working on?”.’
Moving onto how people can follow up that question, she suggested asking ‘what’s your biggest goal right now?’.
She continued: ‘When you ask this question, you’re gonna get one of two responses. One, someone shuts you down […] or, they’re going to tell you about goals.
‘That’s also a great thing you can follow up on, because then when you see them a month later, or a week later, or a year later, you can be like, “hey, how did that go?”.’
Discussing how you can get to know someone better, Vanessa suggested another question you can ask them.
The expert revealed how you can improve your relationship with people by asking them certain questions
She said: ‘[The question] sounds innocuous, but it’s not.
‘It’s “what book, movie or TV character is most like you and why?”. It’s kind of a silly, dinner party question that sounds casual, but the answer to this question is so incredibly important.
‘How someone relates to characters, their values or personality is how they see themselves, and people’s answers will shock you.’
Vanessa then gave an example, explaining: ‘I was friends with someone for six years. [She was] one of my closest friends, I saw them all the time.
‘We went on a weekend trip together […] and I asked her this question. I hypothesised that she’s a mom of three, super funny, super savvy. I was like, “she’s going to pick a great TV mom character that’s super savvy and funny.
Steven Bartlett (pictured) is the host of the Diary of a CEO podcast
‘I asked her, she thinks about it for maybe one second, and says “Katniss from The Hunger Games”.
‘I was like “the one who’s fighting for her life?”.
‘She replied “yes, that’s how I feel every day. And we, for the first time in six years, had a conversation about how she feels about her day that was totally different than anything I had ever known – that she feels scared and lonely, and that she’s fighting for survival.
‘And it was the first time that I truly connected with her.
‘This question [has changed my relationship with so many people] based on how they see themselves, not how I see them, but how they see themselves.’
