Allyson Swan (St. Lucie County Sheriff’s Office).
A Florida woman was recently arrested for repeatedly attacking her wife during an onslaught that began by shoving “cheesy nachos” down her pants, according to law enforcement in the Sunshine State.
Allyson Swan, 39, stands accused of one count of battery causing bodily harm, St. Lucie County court records show.
The underlying incident occurred on the night of March 3, at the couple’s home on South Buttonwood Drive in Port St. Lucie — a large, coastal city located some 50 miles north of West Palm Beach.
The messy events are detailed in an arrest report by the Port St. Lucie Police Department.
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Police allegedly responded to a third-party 911 caller who said they could hear their friend, the victim, being attacked by her wife, Swan.
When officers arrived, Swan allegedly said “everything was fine” and that her wife was simply “drunk,” according to the report.
“During my initial interview, she denied anything physical occurring, and stated [her wife] was in a drunken rage which caused [Swan] to barricade herself inside their bedroom,” the arrest report reads. “She stated [her wife] made several holes in the wall, and once again, denied a physical altercation.”
But the defendant’s wife relayed a vastly different narrative.
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“She stated she was making nachos with nacho cheese in the kitchen while [Swan] was playing video games in the living room,” the report goes on. “[Swan] told her she shouldn’t be eating this late and made a comment about her weight. The two began arguing and [Swan] walked over to [her wife], grabbed a handful of the cheesy nachos, and shoved them down the back of [her wife’s] pants.”
After that, the wife said she went to change clothes and called her friend, though she was not able to actually begin the conversation.
Swan allegedly was not yet done and followed her wife as she was trying to take off her pants. Then, she pushed her up against the wall, dragged her down to the floor and into the bedroom by her hair, the victim told police.
“[The victim] stated [Swan] pinned her face down onto the floor and shoved her fingers into either side of her mouth and hooked them like a fish,” the report continues. “[Swan] then continued to batter her by grabbing her head and slamming it into the floor multiple times. At some point, [Swan] threw water on [her wife].”
Throughout the attack, the victim said, Swan repeatedly made comments “about making sure [her wife] knows [Swan] is in charge and that [her wife] was not behaving,” according to the arrest report.
Police say the stained clothing, “large smears of a yellow substance” on the wall outside the bedroom, and a small hole in the wall helped convince investigators the wife was telling the truth.
“The stains lined up with her buttocks area where the cheese would have been on her leggings, and her elbow aligned perfectly with the hole in the wall,” the arrest report reads.
The victim also allegedly had a hematoma — a collection of pooled blood under the skin similar to a bruise — on her forehead and some scratches on her right arm, according to the police report.
When pressed to account for the incident a second time, Swan maintained her innocence, denying all of her wife’s claims, police say.
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The defendant’s detailed recollection allegedly went like this:
She stated [her wife] was upset at her because she did not want to watch TV together. [Her wife] threw the plate of nachos and at some point, rolled around and covered herself in nacho cheese. She stated she barricaded herself inside their bedroom while [her wife] began punching the walls and their bedroom door. She was unable to explain how [her wife] got the hematoma on the right side of her forehead or how her right arm was scratched. I also explained multiple times that the cheese was located on the inside of the pants, which would not be possible if she had “rolled around” in it.
“It should be noted that the plate [her wife] made the nachos on was ceramic and completely intact,” the officer drily noted.
Swan was arrested that same night.
The defendant posted bond on May 7. She is due back in court for her arraignment on June 2, St. Lucie County court records show.
