Monica Sandercock was seven years into her marriage when she began to worry she’d made a terrible mistake.
It wasn’t that she felt restless or dissatisfied in her relationship, like many others describe the ‘seven-year itch’.
It was far more serious than that. At this point, Monica barely recognised the man she’d married, her husband Mark.
‘Our daughter had been born in 2009 and it’s hard; it changes a lot of things for you,’ Monica tells Daily Mail Australia.
‘We argued about everything from money to a lack of sex… there was just this complete disconnect.’
There was also another huge sticking point in their relationship – Mark had been smoking marijuana since they met, and although he’d promised to quit after their daughter was born, he hadn’t.
‘I had tried to get him stop in every possible way, but it was a regular, daily thing,’ Monica says.
Things hadn’t always been so bleak for the couple, who’d met in 2002, when Monica, originally from Sweden, was backpacking in Alice Springs, where Mark was working at the time.
Monica met Mark when she was backpacking in Alice Springs. She didn’t expect to see him again, but after staying in touch, she came to visit him in Adelaide and within six months they were married
After spending a couple of nights together, Monica returned to Sweden, but the pair had stayed in touch via email.
‘He was super nice, easy going and positive. The positivity really drew me in,’ Monica says.
The pair were both seeing other people, but Monica kept finding herself reaching for her phone at the end of each date to text Mark.
In 2003, Mark had moved back to his native Adelaide and Monica went to visit him there. After a whirlwind three-week trip, she said: ‘I’m coming to live with you.
‘We were very much in love by then.’
Once they’d sorted the relevant visas, the couple were married within six months.
The first few years of their marriage were every bit as fun and spontaneous as their initial union.
There was just one thing: the marijuana.
Within six months of Monica returning to Australia, she and Mark married. The first few years of their marriage was every bit as fun and spontaneous as their initial union
Monica says the weed smoking was ‘not her thing’ and that although she knew Mark would do it when he was out with with friends, or in the garden shed while gardening, she wasn’t aware of how regular it was until their daughter was born in 2009.
‘We’d argue but then he’d just brush it under the carpet,’ she says. ‘[After we became parents] our relationship became like running a business; it was like groundhog day.’
In time, Monica says she thought: ‘I want to be with this man but I can’t function in these circumstances.
‘I said to him one day “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore”.’
Although Mark ‘didn’t say much’ to that, Monica knew he was hurt. She also knew she wasn’t ready to give up on the relationship yet.
She began looking online for relationship advice, but ended up discovering self-development and coaching.
‘I realised I had low self-worth and didn’t push myself out of my comfort zone,’ Monica says.
After working on herself for a year, Monica says she felt ‘happier’ and ‘more confident’.
‘My life started changing. I was doing something for me and became a better mum and a better role model,’ she says.
During that time, Mark remained distant. He travelled frequently for work, went to the gym most mornings, and spent a lot of time gardening and alone in his shed.
In an attempt to get Mark started on his own self-improvement journey, Monica bought him a ticket to a three-day ‘Unleash the Power Within’ Tony Robbins [American motivational speaker] retreat in Sydney for his birthday.
‘I wanted to inspire him,’ she says.
The first day of the event involved a ‘mind over matter’ exercise where participants walked over hot coals.
‘Mark rang me after the fire walk and told me to go to the shed and throw his stuff away,’ she says.
The ‘stuff’ he was referring to was smoking paraphernalia and a small bag of weed, which Monica disposed of, pleasantly surprised her husband seemed ready to make a change.
But when he returned to their Adelaide home two days later, Monica was in for a far bigger shock.
‘I was standing in the kitchen and he came in and said, “honey, I’ve got something to tell you”.’
Then Mark said: ‘I’m a meth addict. I’ve been a meth addict for years.’
Monica was stunned into silence. As someone who’d previously worked with teens in care, many of whom used drugs, she couldn’t believe she hadn’t picked up on any signs.
‘I was dumbfounded that I didn’t know,’ she says
‘Our relationship is better than it was on every level, Monica says
After returning from a three-day Tony Robbins retreat Mark made a shocking confession to his wife
Throughout it all, Mark had held down a steady sales job, which involved a lot of travel. He went to the gym most mornings, ate well, and despite the relationships troubles they’d been having, showed no outward signs of being a drug addict.
‘You shouldn’t be able to function the way he was functioning, Monica says.
Moments after his confession, Monica reached for her husband and hugged him.
‘I know this is not how a lot of people would’ve reacted but I was pleasantly surprised. Everything made so much sense. I was relieved. I was like “there it is”,’ she says.
Monica says had she not spent the previous year on her own personal development she might have reacted differently – but in the moment she was able to understand that there was a reason her husband had been using drugs – and by telling her, he was open to stopping.
‘We just hugged and cried. It was such a pivotal moment; a turnaround for us.’
While Mark hadn’t touched drugs for three days while he’d been on the retreat – deliberately leaving them at home thinking this might be a chance for him to quit – he knew he’d need more long-term support, and began working with a coach.
Over time, Monica learned the extent of her husband’s meth addiction. After he’d tried to quit smoking weed, he’d started taking meth instead. It was drug he’d dabbled with in his youth, but then it ‘almost replaced’ the weed.
He’d buy bags of it in crystal form, hide it in a secret compartment in his wallet, and ‘eat it’ in his shed or before heading to work.
‘He was even using it before the gym as a pre-workout,’ Monica says.
Although he never smoked or injected the drug, ‘He was using pretty much all day, every day.’
Monica says gardening was Mark’s happy place, but his frequent trips into the shed were to top up on meth, before continuing his yard work. ‘He didn’t know who he was without it,’ she says.
But over the next decade, Mark found out – he hasn’t touched the drug since.
‘Our relationship is better than it was on every level,’ Monica says.
‘Before, he was never truly present. But when we got clean, I got to meet to the person he was so afraid no one would like without drugs.’
During his recovery, Mark became interested in self-help and coaching himself, so the couple started their business, Magnificent Mindset together.
Mark works with men who want to become better dads, husbands and sons. Men who have lost their drive, oomph and spark they once use to have.
Monica tends to work with women who need to learn to let go, to follow their own dreams and stop people pleasing.
As for how it’s helped Monica and Mark as parents?
‘We can be compassionate parents and also more understanding. We can deal with our own emotions and fears. When we deal with those, we come from a different place and have open conversations,’ Monica says.
‘It’s been a total game changer for us as a couple and as parents.’
